April 11, 2016
April 11, 2016 was a day that forever changed my life and it is a day I will never forget. It is the day I watched my mother pass from one world into the next, as I held her hand. I watched her spirit leave but I knew without any doubt that she was still alive, she had just left her crippled body behind. Today is the first anniversary of this event and I promised myself that I would write about it. I have wanted to sit down many times and write but the feelings were just too raw for me. Today is the day I will record all that happened in just 7 short days, where I saw the hand of God in my life in many small ways that has forever changed me. I wanted to record these events for myself, for my family and friends and for anyone in the future that reads this. I want them to know that I I know that we are not alone, I know that we matter to God, that he is aware of us and sends angels both seen and unseen to help us when we need it most.
Here is my story…
To be fair I have to go back a bit more to get the full context of the story- small details that led up to the larger events. Things I didn’t think about until after my mom passed away. I could write about so many more of these little things.. but I know that my life has been guided since my birth to certain people and experiences. I know that over the past several years that God was preparing me to say goodbye to my mother, he was giving me so many opportunities to say they things I wanted to say and to heal what was broken. I am so grateful that I was able to act on these opportunities.
October/ November 2015
I was driving home from the temple and had the overwhelming feeling to call my sister and suggest we take a sisters trip for Mother’s Day in May 2016. It was something we talked about for years but never did. We started making plans to go. We decided to go to Oceanside CA for several days. We made the arrangements.
December 6, 2015.
My birthday. My husband had gotten an alert about a discounted flight to SLC. He suggested I spend my birthday that year in Utah with my mom and sister. I didn’t think much about it at the time, but said sure! My sister had secretly planned a surprise trip for me with her, my mom and my nieces. It was a wonderful weekend, the first time I remember spending my birthday with these women I love. They made it a special time. I had no idea it would be the last time I took at picture together with my mother, I am so grateful that I took the opportunity to go when it came.
Feb 2016
I don’t remember the date I just remember again having an overwhelming feeling to book our flights for our upcoming sisters trip. I logged on and found some at a good price, I called my sister and we booked our flights. We were so excited to have something so fun to look forward to in May.
April 1, 2016.
My son Skyler had just returned from his mission and I felt anxious to go to General Conference with all of us together. It wasn’t convenient, the kids had school, I had seminary to teach but I really felt like we should make the trip. My sweet husband didn’t complain too much and we made preparations to go. On Friday we spent the afternoon with my Mom, Cori and the girls. We had a picnic outside, we played games, it was a beautiful day of sunshine. My mom was getting what she thought was a bad cold, so she wore a mask outside but had a wonderful time with all of us together. I remember not wanting to leave, even though my family was feeling anxious to get on to other activities we had planned. I gave my mom an extra hug that day and told her I would see her soon.
April 4, 2016
I came home from Seminary and had an urgent feeling to call my mom. I did this often after seminary and we would talk a lot about what I had been teaching. Mom would often ask me questions and we had some very tender gospel discussions. This day was different, I remember feeling like I needed to call her right away, so I did. When she answered the phone, I heard her gasping for air. She said she couldn’t breathe. I hung up quickly and called my sister who rushed over and mom was taken to the emergency room. The Doctor’s said she had pneumonia and would be admitted to the hospital. I talked to her on the phone the next day, she sounded much better. She said that the x-rays had showed some fluid around her lungs and she was going to have a biopsy the next day to see what the fluid was.
April 5, 2106
About 5 pm I got a call from my sister who was very upset. The results from the biopsy showed that mom had stage 4 lung cancer and they gave her about 6 months to live. I was stunned. I worried all afternoon and evening about what to do. Do I drop everything and go to Utah? Do I wait and take more time off to spend with her? I agonized about this all day. Later that evening the feeling that I needed to go to Utah ASAP would not stop. I finally looked at flights, expecting the worst. I was surprised to see one seat left on an early morning flight to SLC for the regular price of $350.00. For me this was the answer I needed to get on that flight. I called friends and got everything arranged and by 10 pm the flight was booked and I was packed. I decided I could stay one week and then come back later after seminary was over for the year.
April 6, 2016
I got up and made the 40 minute drive to the Lewiston airport to catch my 5 am flight to SLC. I had a lot of mixed emotions as I drove. I got on the plane and noticed that I was sitting next to a mother, whose daughter was not sitting by her. I offered to move so they could be together. I found myself sitting next to a man who looked like he wasn’t having the best morning either. I smiled at him and stuck in my earphones, I was not in the mood to cheer anyone else up. As I sat there listening to the music, trying not to have a complete break down on the plane, I keep getting the feeling that I needed to talk to this person. I kept trying to push it out of my mind, but the feeling persisted. I finally took out my earphones and introduced myself. I found out that he had been in Lewiston putting his grandparents into a nursing facility. He was emotional, because he loved them so much and lived across the country and wasn’t sure when he would be able to come back. I briefly told him my situation and we both got a little emotional. He told me he was a religious man, and knew that things would work out. I also told him I was religious and had a lot of faith that helped me get through times like this. He asked me what religion I was. I told him I was LDS. He got a big smilie on his face and told me I might be interested to learn where he was from. He was from Harmony Pennsylvania, and lived next to many of the LDS church history sights there. He was Catholic but had a lot of respect for members of the church. That was really comforting to me. Later in the flight he took my hand and said he felt that God was asking him to tell me something. He said, everything is going to be ok-whatever happens. He asked if I would like to exchange contact info, in case I was ever in Harmony and wanted a place to stay. We exchanged info and I found out that his name was also Ricky. We both laughed about that and decided that it was not by chance that we sat together on that flight. We said our goodbyes and parted at the airport. I was picked up by a cousin and taken right to the hospital. I walked into the ICU about 8:30 am and found my mom sitting up in bed, in good spirits laughing with my sister. We had a wonderful talk and I was so glad that I had come, although I did wonder a bit if my decision to rush right down to Utah was a little premature. We spent the day talking about options and hospice and really had a very pleasant day. Mom was tired and slept a lot that afternoon.
April 7-9 2016
The next few days mom seemed more tired and worn out. She slept most of the time and I began to worry that she was declining. We weren't sure if it was the medication or her health. During this time we started to interview Hospice companies hoping to find someone who could meet Mom’s needs and her desire to return to her apartment at Canyon Breeze. During this day as I was helping mom with some personal hygiene, she hugged me and said “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you were little, I hope you will forgive me” I said Mom, we have made up for all that time, there is nothing you need to worry about.” We both told each other how much we loved each other. It was short, yet unforgettable moment when it was just her and I. It was like years of separation, anger, pain and guilt were all healed in that moment. We had a lot of family visit, and I had the opportunity to re-connect with so many family members and friends. I was worried, worried that she would be alone. I was worried about my sister and her stress level when I had to leave. I was worried that mom would pass away when I was gone. I worried a lot. I was emotional and I wasn’t sure if the feelings I had were my emotions or if they were promptings from the Spirit. I was very low and getting down. I called my son Kaleb who was the closet of my immediate family to me. I asked him to come down on Sunday. I wanted a blessing and I told him I just needed someone close. He said he and Amie would come the next day (Sunday) and bring lunch.
April 10, 2018
Sunday morning came I spent the morning sitting by mom’s bed and visiting with her. The hospital chaplain came in, and had a very open discussion with mom about death. Mom expressed her belief in God and said she knew that this life was not the end. It was during this conversation I was able to ask mom about her standing in the church. Did she want me to pursue getting her ordinances restored? She said she did and that she wanted me to do whatever it took. Kaleb and Amie arrived and I was so happy to see them, Mom was very tried and barely woke up to say hello to them. I felt so much better after their visit. I spent the late afternoon and evening sitting by mom’s bed and visiting with more family. Later that night when it was just Cori and I together, we both worried about mom. She seemed so weak. It was interesting that she had a new nurse come on staff that evening. A male nurse, named Curtis. My mom really liked that and felt like that was a tender mercy. After that she went back to sleep and seemed so tired. Cori and I worried about leaving her that night. We weren’t sure she could press her call light. We decided to spilt our time. She would stay as long as she could into the night, I would go home and get up as early as I could to come back. As I drove back to Cori’s house that night, my heart was breaking. I was having feelings I didn't know what to do with. My flight was supposed to go back the next evening. What should I do? As I got to the top of the Lindon Hill I saw the Mount Timpanogos temple all lit up. I had the strong impression that my mom was going to pass away. I was sad but also felt at peace. I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone but inside I knew. I tried to sleep and got up and after a few hours got up and when back to the hospital.
April 11, 2016
When I arrived Mom was all hooked up to machines, not the was we had left her the night before. I panicked and it took a few minutes to find a nurse to explain. Sometime in the night Mom’s oxygen had dropped dangerously low. She needed the C-Pap machine to breathe. She was awake and could talk but only with the mask on and it was hard to understand her. I called Cori and told her to come ASAP to the hospital. Meanwhile the respiratory therapist came and told me that he would try to take off the mask and see what happened. It was clear that without the C-Pap she could not breathe on her own. He kindly told me it was probably time to call Hospice. Several days before we had interviewed several people and during that time we found out that a Dr who had helped Curtis when he was in the hospital had decided to just do Hospice care and he was available. He came right away and the 4 of us together came up with a plan. Mom would be moved to a Hospice room that afternoon. It was interesting to me that Mom didn’t seem to feel upset about that. In fact she started making lists of people we were to call, people she wanted to see. All that day the ICU room was filled with family and friends. She wanted to tell them thank you, she wanted to tell them she loved them, she wanted Cori and I to call people and give them messages over the phone. She wanted to say goodbye to everyone she could. It was like a family reunion that day in the ICU. Much to the frustration of the hospital staff. We did have time to talk to mom about what she wanted at her funeral, she received a blessing from her brothers. The spirit was there, I was sad but also at peace. I also promised mom that I would take care of my sister and that I would stop drinking diet coke… Dr. Chamberlian told us he wasn’t sure exactly what would happen or how long mom would be with us. It could be minutes, hours or days. With mom’s input we decided what measures would be taken.
At 8 pm the breathing mask would be removed, we would be able to stay with mom as long as we wanted. I remember mom saying how excited she was to finally get to meet her Dad. Lots of family were there saying their goodbyes. The mask was removed, all of us got to give her a hug and a kiss, the room was quiet, I had the song ‘I Know That My Redeemer Lives’ going through my head, I held her hand and then within minutes she was gone. As I looked at her, I knew that she had left her body but that her spirit was very much still alive. As I walked out of the hospice room, my new friend “Ricky” from Harmony called and asked how I was doing. It was just one more reminder to me that my needs were known. That I was not forgotten. Cori and I drove home together that night, we cried, we talked and then we both told each other our experience from Sunday night, we both had very similar promptings that it was mom’s time to go. We knew that we would be ok.
April 12, 2016
We started making the arrangements for the services. We thought about how just over a year ago we had sat in the same funeral home with mom while she made her final arrangements. We had no idea that she would need those services just 14 months later. Because of this, the arrangements came together smoothly, decisions were not hard to make. The family was very supportive, the flowers were beautiful, everything was just as mom would have wanted it.
April 13, 2016
The funeral was well done. My sister and I spoke together about our “Mother’s Hands” and how we watched her serve others throughout her life with those hands. I added some remarks about the Savior’s hands and how we are His Hands while we are here on the earth. We are to be about His business, serving each other and loving all those he would have . It was a beautiful service and a beautiful day. Mom had decided on Monday that she wanted to have something to remember her by. She decided on butterflies, every time we see a butterfly we are to think of her. I can’ t believe how many times I find butterflies in the strangest situations. In fact as I went to choose a dress for the funeral, I found a dress with butterflies on it, the only one left in the store. I like to think that Mom picked it out for me.
April 18, 2016
When I returned back home I got prepared to teach my seminary lesson, it was not by accident that months before we had decided to divide up some lessons and each teach the same lesson to all 4 classes. The topic I was assigned? Being a Savior on Mt. Zion in book of Obadiah. I know that this also was not by accident. I gave me an opportunity to share my strong testimony of my mother’s passing, and the power of the temple. It was just another sign from a loving Heavenly Father that I was not forgotten. That he was in charge. I reflected back on my life, the high and lows and realized that it was all for a purpose, this purpose. I was to be a Savior on Mt. Zion for my mother. I could do for her now what she couldn’t do for herself. I don’t know how Heaven works out all the details but I know that it will all be worked out in the end.
April 11, 2017
People say time heals all wounds… I am not sure if that is true. I still miss my mom every day. I think about her every day. I still wish I could call her when I do the dishes every single day. I still have moments when I start crying for no reason at all. But I do believe that all wounds will be healed. I have seen the relationship with my mom and sister be headed over the past 25 years. I have seen healing as my sister and I had to do really hard things and make really hard decisions. I saw healing when we sorted through mom’s things and found photos, letters and things she had saved that we didn’t even know about. I saw healing as my sister and I did go on our first sisters trip, that I know was not planned by accident, it will now be an annual event. I saw healing in relationships when my mom said goodbye to so many people. When she said thank you and I am sorry. I know that all wounds will eventually be healed because of the sacrifice of our older brother Jesus Christ. Because of him I will see my mom again, she will no longer be crippled and sick. She will be whole. Because of him we will all live again. I know this to be true. I know my mom is not far away. I know that life continues beyond the grave. “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
