1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
2. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage
3. A new source from this week: Helping and Healing Our Families: Principles and Practices Inspired by The Family: A Proclamation to the World
I am buying this book today so I can learn from the other chapters as well!
What a great way to end such a fabulous course! This week's readings centered on developing relationships with extended family and also how we each come into a marriage with a set of 'rules' from our own families and how those can cause difficulties. The chapters on 'family rules' was centered a lot on finances but also on 'rules' in general. I could see clearly, in my own life and marriage, how the 'rules' we have both brought into our marriage have really taken a while to mesh. I wish I could have taken this course 25 years ago, in many ways I think it would have helped us work some of these differences out years ago.
You see I have always loved my in-laws, and they have been very accepting and kind to me from the first day I met them, but I haven't always felt like I 'fit in'. I am certain this is in part because we have both grown up with different 'rules'.
In chapter 2 of "Till Debt Do Us Part" Bernard Poduska states"As you begin your transition from single life to married life with children, be assured you will have to overcome difficulties. Many of these difficulties may originate in something else you brought with you to your marriage: your separate sets of 'family rules". Because of your upbringing in your particular family (your 'family of origin'), certain rules guide you in your social roles, govern your interpersonal relationships, set limits on your behavior, and enable you to reasonably predict the behaviors of others." As I look back I can see how we have taken some of my husband's 'rules' and some of my 'rules' into our own family. We have also made a lot of our own 'rules'. It takes a lot of give and take to get things where they are best for the two of you and your own little family.
I have a great example of this in my marriage, that my husband and I can- FINALLY laugh about...
It is the silliest thing, but it caused a lot of turmoil for me for years and it is directly related to family 'rules'. I call it The Parable of the Bread-Sack Sandwiches. Growing up, my family really looked forward to family vacations. My parents put money aside all year so we could go on at least one family vacation every year. My parents did not always have a lot of money but this vacation time was a time to splurge a little. It usually meant that we would eat out for our meals, and try new things. My husband also grew up in a family that didn't always have the most money and they had a large family, so to save money on family trips they would always make sandwiches and then stop somewhere a long the way for a family picnic. It was part of their family traditions. Now I am not above eating sandwiches, in fact I really like sandwiches, that is when they are freshly made... However I do not like, nor ever have liked, eating sandwiches that have been sitting in a cooler for hours and hours. Just thinking about it now, makes me sick. So imagine my horror when on one of the first family vacations I took with my in-laws, my sweet father in law invited everyone to their kitchenette in their hotel room to 'make sandwiches of the trip home' not only was he suggesting that I make a sandwich that I wouldn't eat for hours, but he also gave me a bread-sack to put all four of the sandwiches in, together, in the same bag, touching. I nearly thought I would die. However for some ridiculous reason I did not feel like I could decline, in fact I didn't even know how to explain to my husband how upsetting this was to me! Of course he didn't see the problem, and so I would just make the sandwiches and pout all the way home- wishing we were stopping at a new place for lunch out but not really stating my reasons for being in a bad mood. I just felt like this was such a huge difference in my marriage, and it made me think about all the other differences our families had and made me doubt if we could ever be unified as a couple. This went on for YEARS, and it has taken me YEARS to finally resolve this issue with my husband. It is so silly, but it has had a huge impact on those vacations. I don't mean to sound like a 'spoiled brat' but making sandwiches was just not a vacation to me. Fast forward to now. We have finally come to a compromise about vacations and sandwiches. Sometimes we plan to go out, sometimes we pack the making's for sandwiches, so I make fresh sandwiches on the road, or sometimes we just bring other 'snack' type food that maybe isn't the norm for us. I have finally been able to tell my father in law, "thanks for offering, but we will be stopping for lunch" and I can finally enjoy extended family vacations without feeling like the 'black sheep'!
This is a very silly example but I have seen the huge impact this has made on my relationships. Now that I have a daughter in law, I have tried to remember this example so it can influence the way that I act, or re-act to decisions my son and daughter in law make. I try to remember that my way isn't the only way, or even the best way, and that if they choose differently, it is not that they don't like me or anything, it's just different and they have to work these decisions themselves. That's what family is about.... learning to love each other despite our preferences and differences. It's about combining the best from both families and making new traditions.
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