Choose Your Love and Love Your Choice

Several things struck me this week in the reading material. I saw many areas where I need to improve and be more humble and forgiving. I like the way Elder Joe J. Christensen counseled married couples when he said "Ceaseless pinpricking" as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage... Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don't need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, so of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive."  I know I that I don't like or appreciate someone else pointing out my flaws and faults so why would I ever think that doing so to someone else would ever be helpful?

I also really appreciated this statement from President  Joseph  F. Smith  “If all mankind would live in strict obedience to the gospel, and in that love which is begotten by the Spirit of the Lord, all marriages would be eternal; divorce would be unknown. Divorce is not part of the gospel plan and has been introduced because of the hardness of heart and unbelief of the people. . . . There never could be a divorce in this church if the husband and wife were keeping the commandments of God.” This made me think about where am I falling short, where do I need to strengthen my resolve to better live the commandments ?

From H. Wallace Goddard "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" he says "It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner’s grammar or perceptions and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly. It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partners and yet resist the temptation to smirk." and John Gottman gave some very wise counsel in his book "Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work" in how to deal with the temptation to argue with or criticize your spouse when he said “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.”

I have a great example in my Great grandmother, someone who had the great character that Goddard is speaking of. I clearly remember her and my great grandfather discussing something and if they disagreed about something,I remember her saying " Oh I must have remembered it differently" and going on with the conversation. There was no need to correct the details or any desire to be right. Just mutual love and respect.  I love the quote by President Thomas S. Monson given in a conference address in April 2011 when he said "Choose a companion carefully and prayerfully; and when you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another. Priceless advice comes from a small framed plaque I once saw in the home of an uncle and aunt. It read, “Choose your love; love your choice.” There is great wisdom in those few words. Commitment in marriage is absolutely essential."  I think this commitment that President Monson is referring to is more than just being faithful to martial vows it is being fiercely loyal to one another and treating your eternal companion with the upmost respect, love, tolerance and kindness in words and actions every day in every situation. I want to have that kind of love and compassion and commitment  for my own eternal companion. I have a long way to go but I am trying, and practice makes perfect. It is never too late to start treating your companion with more kindness and understanding.

Pearl and Fred Smith- My Great Grandparents

John Gottman Explains The Truth About Great Relationships

The Communication Myth

One of the required texts for my Family 300 class is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman I am really enjoying this book and it is different that any marriage improvement book I have ever read. Gottman's approach is different yet realistic and has made me already made a difference in the way I approach my marriage and other family relationships  I have found Gottman's thoughts and research on marriage in his book  fascinating. Having been married for almost 25 years we have had our share of communication issues. We still struggle with some of the same bad habits and arguments over the same topics. Reading Gottman's research and suggestions was a breath of fresh air. He says "The notion that you can save your marriage  just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriage." Gottman suggests that being friends and finding ways to reduce the tension when tempers flare is a better way to resolve conflict. It isn't the essence of conflict, that damages a marriage, that is just called life! It is how we try to repair things when their is conflict that can have lasting value. 

The other required text for this class is Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. I am also really enjoying this book. One of  Goddard's examples that he gives in the first chapter of his book focuses on how we deal with relationship issues by using the parable of the Good Samaritan. We have to be wiling to look at the needs of those we love and look past their flaws. His insights really opened my eyes to the depth of this parable and where I need to make adjustments in how I treat those I love. 

I found as I read chapters from both of these book that I have a lot to work on. Gottman uses the examples of the 'Four Horseman': Criticism  Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling as some of the most important places to start when you want to improve communication with your spouse  and I can see myself in all of those situations. I really need to look at myself and how I can improve, where I am weak and how I can learn to better love and respect my husband and family. I am excited to learn more from each of these respected therapists in the weeks to come. I highly recommend these two books to anyone who is looking to improve their relationships. 

Covenant Marriage Takes Work!

I throughly enjoyed the talk given by Elder Bruce C. Hafen entitled “Covenant Marriage” in this article Elder Hafen discusses the difference between a Contract Marriage and a Covenant Marriage. I enjoyed the anecdote he tells about a newly married bride because in some ways it reminds me of myself as a young bride deeply in love and ready to live “happily ever after. Elder Hafen says “A bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!” “Yes,” replied her mother, “but at which end?” I remember feeling much this same way, I had made it to the temple and was being sealed to my sweetheart, what could possible cause us anything but pure bliss? I learned quickly that marriage is work! 

 When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by looking to find themselves and sometimes even walking away.They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. However when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. When we understand that we are bound together by covenants this changes how we react to conflict and trials. “Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent”  When we are sealed for time and all eternity to our husband or wife we have entered into a sacred ordinance and covenant with God. It is an essential ordinance to obtain the highest degree of glory. It is the crowing ordinance, that makes us eligible, if we honor and fulfill out responsibilities, to become like our Heavenly parents. In very simple terms “It’s a big deal.”

 Actually marriage should always be a ‘big deal’ but unfortunately so much of the world doesn’t seem to see it in the same way. Most marriages tend to be contract based. You enter into an agreement with each other that you will and will not do certain things. You promised to stick it out when times get tough, but so many times when the tough times come, the marriage or contract crumbles. As I think about this and the experiences  my husband and I have faced in nearly 25 years of marriage  I know that building a covenant marriage takes work, never-ending work. We have to continue to strengthen that bond, we have to constantly try harder to see where we can offer help and support, we have to learn to compromise and to work things out. Life brings so many changes and curve balls and we have to be ready and willing to work together during all of these ups and downs. However by continuing to stick it out no matter what life throws at us helps us to become even more committed to the relationship and then more committed to each other. As time goes on, we truly become one. 

Elder Bednar offers some very good counsel when he listed one of the basic principles to Eternal marriage in his talk "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan"“The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.” This teaches me that we can’t do it alone, we cannot be perfect without each other and without the help of the Savior. “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” 1 Corinthians 11:11. So we have to learn to work together, in all aspects of marriage. We have to be connected, the the Lord has to be involved. It is a three way covenant. When we look at marriage in this way we can whether almost any storm life will bring. “ I  [we] can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:13. I want to do all I can to honor my covenant marriage and make it last into eternity. 

August 17, 1991

Are you ready to join the ranks?

I was moved during this week's readings by this statement from Elder Russell M. Nelson. "The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday. It is about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night—24/7! There is no such thing as a “part-time” disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus invited anyone who wants to be His disciple to take up His cross and follow Him. Are you ready to join the ranks? Or will you be ashamed of the gospel? Will you be ashamed of your Lord and His plan?  Will you yield to voices of those who would have you join them on the popular side of contemporary history?

When I take a step back and see how the world has changed it's view and position on what marriage is, and what is good for families and societies I am amazed at how quickly things have changed. I remember like it was yesterday in 1995 when President Gordon B. Hinckley first presented The Family A Proclamation to the World in a General Women's Meeting broadcast. I remember thinking, well that was interesting but we all know those things, why does he feel like he needs to remind us in such an official way. Fast forward 20 years and look at where we have ended up! Not only is it a testimony to me in the power of following a prophet, seer and revelatory but also how quickly evil can seem good and good evil.

So how as Latter- Day Saints can we uphold our values and position on marriage, without being offensive to those that so not share our beliefs. How can we join the ranks? I think it starts with us. I think it starts with how we feel about and honor our own marriage vows. I think it starts with being the best parents we can be. It starts with living our beliefs in a way that no one can wonder where we stand. That being said we also have to be civil and understanding. I won't deny that reading some of these arguments, pull at my heart strings a little.I have know several gay couples that are outstanding citizens and friends. I don't have any ill feelings towards them even though they have chosen a different path.  I do think that same sex couples should be able to have civil unions. I do think that they should be able to act as next of kin for example and to be treated respectfully. However I think redefining marriage is not our right, it is ordained by God and must be protected.

One of my classmates suggested that marriage licenses no longer be issued for anyone. That all couples regardless of religion or sexual orientation be offered civil union license. Then those that believe in marriage being a God ordained institution could choose to be married in the religious institution of their choice. I thought this was an interesting idea. Although I stand firmly for traditional marriage, I believe that other's have the right to life and love in the way that they choose. My concern is that in changing the laws of marriage we are on a slippery slope of limiting religious freedom. In the 11th Article of Faith ( a list of 13 statements on the beliefs of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) it states " We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." In order for me to practice my faith as I believe I am obligated to offer that same right to those that believe differently. We must learn to live together in respect and consideration, agreeing to disagree if needed. 

As a Latter-Day Saint I am trying my best to live my life in a way that is authentic. I want those who know me, to know my beliefs by the way I live my life. When they hear my name I want them to acknowledge that I was a person who stood up for my faith, but also allowed other's to do the same. I want others to speak of me as someone who truly 'lived their religion" and 'practiced what I preached". I also want them to say that I loved others, and allowed other's to live in the way that they chose. That even thought I have strong opinions I was respectful, loving and kind to all. I have a long way to go to fully accomplish this but I am trying my best everyday.