The Communication Myth

One of the required texts for my Family 300 class is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman I am really enjoying this book and it is different that any marriage improvement book I have ever read. Gottman's approach is different yet realistic and has made me already made a difference in the way I approach my marriage and other family relationships  I have found Gottman's thoughts and research on marriage in his book  fascinating. Having been married for almost 25 years we have had our share of communication issues. We still struggle with some of the same bad habits and arguments over the same topics. Reading Gottman's research and suggestions was a breath of fresh air. He says "The notion that you can save your marriage  just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriage." Gottman suggests that being friends and finding ways to reduce the tension when tempers flare is a better way to resolve conflict. It isn't the essence of conflict, that damages a marriage, that is just called life! It is how we try to repair things when their is conflict that can have lasting value. 

The other required text for this class is Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. I am also really enjoying this book. One of  Goddard's examples that he gives in the first chapter of his book focuses on how we deal with relationship issues by using the parable of the Good Samaritan. We have to be wiling to look at the needs of those we love and look past their flaws. His insights really opened my eyes to the depth of this parable and where I need to make adjustments in how I treat those I love. 

I found as I read chapters from both of these book that I have a lot to work on. Gottman uses the examples of the 'Four Horseman': Criticism  Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling as some of the most important places to start when you want to improve communication with your spouse  and I can see myself in all of those situations. I really need to look at myself and how I can improve, where I am weak and how I can learn to better love and respect my husband and family. I am excited to learn more from each of these respected therapists in the weeks to come. I highly recommend these two books to anyone who is looking to improve their relationships.