Recalling April 11, 2016- A day that changed my life...

April 11, 2016

April 11, 2016 was a day that forever changed my life and it is a day I will never forget.  It is the day I watched my mother pass from one world into the next, as I held her hand. I watched her spirit leave but I knew without any doubt that she was still alive, she had just left her crippled body behind. Today is the first anniversary of this event and I promised myself that I would write about it. I have wanted to sit down many times and write but the feelings were just too raw for me. Today is the day I will record all that happened in just 7 short days, where I saw the hand of God in my life in many small ways that has forever changed me. I wanted to record these events for myself, for my family and friends and for anyone in the future that reads this. I want them to know that I I know that we are not alone, I know that we matter to God, that he is aware of us and sends angels both seen and unseen to help us when we need it most.

Here is my story…

To be fair I have to go back a bit more to get the full context of the story- small details that led up to the larger events. Things I didn’t think about until after my mom passed away.  I could write about so many more of these little things.. but I know that my life has been guided since my birth to certain people and experiences. I know that over the past several years that God was preparing me to say goodbye to my mother, he was giving me so many opportunities to say they things I wanted to say and to heal what was broken. I am so grateful that I was able to act on these opportunities. 

October/ November 2015

I was driving home from the temple and had the overwhelming feeling to call my sister and suggest we take a sisters trip for Mother’s Day in May 2016. It was something we talked about for years but never did. We started making plans to go. We decided to go to Oceanside CA for several days. We made the arrangements. 

December 6, 2015. 

My birthday. My husband had gotten an alert about a discounted flight to SLC. He suggested I spend my birthday that year in Utah with my mom and sister. I didn’t think much about it at the time, but said sure! My sister had secretly planned a surprise trip for me with her, my mom and my nieces. It was a wonderful weekend, the first time I remember spending my birthday with these women I love. They made it a special time. I had no idea it would be the last time I took at picture together with my mother, I am so grateful that I took the opportunity to go when it came.

Feb 2016

I don’t remember the date I just remember again having an overwhelming feeling to book our flights for our upcoming sisters trip. I logged on and found some at a good price, I called my sister and we booked our flights. We were so excited to have something so fun to look forward to in May.

April 1, 2016. 

My son Skyler had just returned from his mission and I felt anxious to go to General Conference with all of us together. It wasn’t convenient, the kids had school, I had seminary to teach but I really felt like we should make the trip. My sweet husband didn’t complain too much and we made preparations to go. On Friday we spent the afternoon with my Mom, Cori and the girls. We had a picnic outside, we played games, it was a beautiful day of sunshine. My mom was getting what she thought was a bad cold, so she wore a mask outside but had a wonderful time with all of us together. I remember not wanting to leave, even though my family was feeling anxious to get on to other activities we had planned. I gave my mom an extra hug that day and told her I would see her soon. 

April 4, 2016

I came home from Seminary and had an urgent feeling to call my mom. I did this often after seminary and we would talk a lot about what I had been teaching. Mom would often ask me questions and we had some very tender gospel discussions. This day was different, I remember feeling like I needed to call her right away, so I did. When she answered the phone, I heard her gasping for air. She said she couldn’t breathe. I hung up quickly and called my sister who rushed over and mom was taken to the emergency room. The Doctor’s said she had pneumonia and would be admitted to the hospital. I talked to her on the phone the next day, she sounded much better. She said that the x-rays had showed some fluid around her lungs and she was going to have a biopsy the next day to see what the fluid was. 

April 5, 2106

About  5 pm I got a call from my sister who was very upset. The results from the biopsy showed that mom had stage 4 lung cancer and they gave her about 6 months to live. I was stunned. I worried all afternoon and evening about what to do. Do I drop everything and go to Utah? Do I wait and take more time off to spend with her? I agonized about this all day. Later that evening the feeling that I needed to go to Utah ASAP would not stop. I finally looked at flights, expecting the worst. I was surprised to see one seat left on an early morning flight to SLC for the regular price of $350.00. For me this was the answer I needed to get on that flight. I called friends and got everything arranged and by 10 pm the flight was booked and I was packed. I decided I could stay one week and then come back later after seminary was over for the year. 

April 6, 2016

I got up and made the 40 minute drive to the Lewiston airport to catch my 5 am flight to SLC. I had a lot of mixed emotions as I drove. I got on the plane and noticed that I was sitting next to a mother, whose daughter was not sitting by her. I offered to move so they could be together. I found myself sitting next to a man who looked like he wasn’t having the best morning either. I smiled at him and stuck in my earphones, I was not in the mood to cheer anyone else up. As I sat there listening to the music, trying not to have a complete break down on the plane, I keep getting the feeling that I needed to talk to this person. I kept trying to push it out of my mind, but the feeling persisted. I finally took out my earphones and introduced myself. I found out that he had been in Lewiston putting his grandparents into a nursing facility. He was emotional, because he loved them so much and lived across the country and wasn’t sure when he would be able to come back. I briefly told him my situation and we both got a little emotional. He told me he was a religious man, and knew that things would work out. I also told him I was religious and had a lot of faith that helped me get through times like this. He asked me what religion I was. I told him I was LDS. He got a big smilie on his face and told me I might be interested to learn where he was from. He was from Harmony Pennsylvania, and lived next to many of the LDS church history sights there. He was Catholic but had a lot of respect for members of the church. That was really comforting to me. Later in the flight he took my hand and said he felt that God was asking him to tell me something. He said, everything is going to be ok-whatever happens. He asked if I would like to exchange contact info, in case I was ever in Harmony and wanted a place to stay. We exchanged info and I found out that his name was also Ricky. We both laughed about that and decided that it was not by chance that we sat together on that flight. We said our goodbyes and parted at the airport. I was picked up by a cousin and taken right to the hospital. I walked into the ICU about 8:30 am and found my mom sitting up in bed, in good spirits laughing with my sister. We had a wonderful talk and I was so glad that I had come, although I did wonder a bit if my decision to rush right down to Utah was a little premature. We spent the day talking about options and hospice and really had a very pleasant day. Mom was tired and slept a lot that afternoon.

April 7-9 2016

The next few days mom seemed more tired and worn out. She slept most of the time and I began to worry that she was declining. We weren't sure if it was the medication or her health. During this time we started to interview Hospice companies hoping to find someone who could meet Mom’s needs and her desire to return to her apartment at Canyon Breeze.  During this day as I was helping mom with some personal hygiene, she hugged me and said “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you were little, I hope you will forgive me” I said Mom, we have made up for all that time, there is nothing you need to worry about.” We both told each other how much we loved each other. It was short, yet unforgettable moment when it was just her and I. It was like years of separation, anger, pain and guilt were all healed in that moment. We had a lot of family visit, and I had the opportunity to re-connect with so many family members and friends. I was worried, worried that she would be alone. I was worried about my sister and her stress level when I had to leave. I was worried that mom would pass away when I was gone. I worried a lot. I was emotional and I wasn’t sure if the feelings I had were my emotions or if they were promptings from the Spirit. I was very low and getting down. I called my son Kaleb who was the closet of my immediate family to me. I asked him to come down on Sunday. I wanted a blessing and I told him I just needed someone close. He said he and Amie would come the next day (Sunday) and bring lunch. 

April 10, 2018

Sunday morning came I spent the morning sitting by mom’s bed and visiting with her. The hospital chaplain came in, and had a very open discussion with mom about death. Mom expressed her belief in God and said she knew that this life was not the end. It was during this conversation I was able to ask mom about her standing in the church. Did she want me to pursue getting her ordinances restored?  She said she did and that she wanted me to do whatever it took.  Kaleb and Amie arrived and I was so happy to see them,  Mom was very tried and barely woke up to say hello to them. I felt so much better after their visit. I spent the late afternoon and evening sitting by mom’s bed and visiting with more family.  Later that night when it was just Cori and I together, we both worried about mom. She seemed so weak. It was interesting that she had a new nurse come on staff that evening. A male nurse, named Curtis. My mom really liked that and felt like that was a tender mercy. After that she went back to sleep and seemed so tired. Cori and I worried about leaving her that night. We weren’t sure she could press her call light. We decided to spilt our time. She would stay as long as she could into the night, I would go home and get up as early as I could to come back. As I drove back to Cori’s house that night, my heart was breaking. I was having feelings I didn't know what to do with. My flight was supposed to go back the next evening. What should I do? As I got to the top of the Lindon Hill I saw the Mount Timpanogos temple all lit up. I had the strong impression that my mom was going to pass away. I was sad but also felt at peace. I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone but inside I knew. I tried to sleep and got up and after a few hours got up and when back to the hospital. 

April 11, 2016

When I arrived Mom was all hooked up to machines, not the was we had left her the night before. I panicked and it took a few minutes to find a nurse to explain. Sometime in the night Mom’s oxygen had dropped dangerously low. She needed the C-Pap machine to breathe. She was awake and could talk but only with the mask on and it was hard to understand her. I called Cori and told her to come ASAP to the hospital. Meanwhile the respiratory therapist came and told me that he would try to take off the mask and see what happened. It was clear that without the C-Pap she could not breathe on her own. He kindly told me it was probably time to call Hospice. Several days before we had interviewed several people and during that time we found out that a Dr who had helped Curtis when he was in the hospital had decided to just do Hospice care and he was available. He came right away and the 4 of us together came up with a plan. Mom would be moved to a Hospice room  that afternoon. It was interesting to me that Mom didn’t seem to feel upset about that. In fact she started making lists of people we were to call, people she wanted to see. All that day the ICU room was filled with family and friends. She wanted to tell them thank you, she wanted to tell them she loved them, she wanted Cori and I to call people and give them messages over the phone. She wanted to say goodbye to everyone she could. It was like a family reunion that day in the ICU. Much to the frustration of the hospital staff.  We did have time to talk to mom about what she wanted at her funeral, she received a blessing from her brothers. The spirit was there, I was sad but also at peace.  I also promised mom that I would take care of my sister and that I would stop drinking diet coke… Dr. Chamberlian told us he wasn’t sure exactly what would happen or how long mom would be with us. It could be minutes, hours or days. With mom’s input we decided what measures would be taken. 

At 8 pm the breathing mask would be removed, we would be able to stay with mom as long as we wanted. I remember mom saying how excited she was to finally get to meet her Dad. Lots of family were there saying their goodbyes. The mask was removed, all of us got to give her a hug and a kiss, the room was quiet, I had the song ‘I Know That My Redeemer Lives’ going through my head, I held her hand and then within minutes she was gone. As I looked at her, I knew that she had left her body but that her spirit was very much still alive. As I walked out of the hospice room, my new friend “Ricky” from Harmony called and asked how I was doing. It was just one more reminder to me that my needs were known. That I was not forgotten. Cori and I drove home together that night, we cried, we talked and then we both told each other our experience from Sunday night, we both had very similar promptings that it was mom’s time to go. We knew that we would be ok.

April 12, 2016

We started making the arrangements for the services. We thought about how just over a year ago we had sat in the same funeral home with mom while she made her final arrangements. We had no idea that she would need those services just 14 months later. Because of this, the arrangements came together smoothly, decisions were not hard to make. The family was very supportive, the flowers were beautiful, everything was just as mom would have wanted it. 

April 13, 2016

The funeral was well done. My sister and I spoke together about our “Mother’s Hands” and how we watched her serve others throughout her life with those hands. I added some remarks about the Savior’s hands and how we are His Hands while we are here on the earth. We are to be about His business, serving each other and loving all those he would have . It was a beautiful service and a beautiful day. Mom had decided on Monday that she wanted to have something to remember her by. She decided on butterflies, every time we see a butterfly we are to think of her. I can’ t believe how many times I find butterflies in the strangest situations. In fact as I went to choose a dress for the funeral, I found a dress with butterflies on it, the only one left in the store. I like to think that Mom picked it out for me. 

April 18, 2016 

When I returned back home I got prepared to teach my seminary lesson, it was not by accident that months before we had decided to divide up some lessons and each teach  the same lesson to all 4 classes. The topic I was assigned?  Being a Savior on Mt. Zion in book of Obadiah. I know that this also was not by accident. I gave me an opportunity to share my strong testimony of my mother’s passing, and the power of the temple. It was just another sign from a loving Heavenly Father that I was not forgotten. That he was in charge. I reflected back on my life, the high and lows and realized that it was all for a purpose, this purpose. I was to be a Savior on Mt. Zion for my mother. I could do for her now what she couldn’t do for herself. I don’t know how Heaven works out all the details but I know that it will all be worked out in the end. 

April 11, 2017

People say time heals all wounds… I am not sure if that is true. I still miss my mom every day. I think about her every day. I still wish I could call her when I do the dishes every single day. I still have moments when I start crying for no reason at all. But I do believe that all wounds will be healed. I have seen the relationship with my mom and sister be headed over the past 25 years. I have seen healing as my sister and I had to do really hard things and make really hard decisions. I saw healing when we sorted through mom’s things and found photos, letters and things she had saved that we didn’t even know about. I saw healing as my sister and I did go on our first sisters trip, that I know was not planned by accident, it will now be an annual event. I saw healing in relationships when my mom said goodbye to so many people. When she said thank you and I am sorry. I know that all wounds will eventually be healed because of the sacrifice of our older brother Jesus Christ. Because of him I will see my mom again, she will no longer be crippled and sick. She will be whole. Because of him we will all live again. I know this to be true. I know my mom is not far away. I know that life continues beyond the grave. “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

In-laws and the Parable of the "Bread-Sack Sandwiches"

This is end of my blog posts for this course- If you have been following this blog, and gaining any insight at all, I highly recommend this BYUI Family 300 course as well as the main texts that were used. These links should take you to Amazon where you can purchase them:
1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
2. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage
3. A new source from this week:  Helping and Healing Our Families: Principles and Practices Inspired by The Family: A Proclamation to the World
I am buying this book today so I can learn from the other chapters as well!

What a great way to end such a fabulous course! This week's readings centered on developing relationships with extended family and also how we each come into a marriage with a set of 'rules' from our own families and how those can cause difficulties. The chapters on 'family rules' was centered a lot on finances but also on 'rules' in general. I could see clearly, in my own life and marriage, how the 'rules' we have both brought into our marriage have really taken a while to mesh. I wish I could have taken this course 25 years ago, in many ways I think it would have helped us work some of these differences out years ago.

You see I have always loved my in-laws, and they have been very accepting and kind to me from the first day I met them, but I haven't always felt like I 'fit in'. I am certain this is in part because we have both grown up with different 'rules'.

In chapter 2 of "Till Debt Do Us Part" Bernard Poduska states"As you begin your transition from single life to married life with children, be assured you will have to overcome difficulties. Many of these difficulties may originate in something else you brought with you to your marriage: your separate sets of 'family rules". Because of your upbringing in your particular family (your 'family of origin'), certain rules guide you in your social roles, govern your interpersonal relationships, set limits on your behavior, and enable you to reasonably predict the behaviors of others." As I look back I can see how we have taken some of my husband's 'rules' and some of my 'rules' into our own family. We have also made a lot of our own 'rules'. It takes a lot of give and take to get things where they are best for the two of you and your own little family.

I have a great example of this in my marriage, that my husband and I can- FINALLY  laugh about...
It is the silliest thing, but it caused a lot of turmoil for me for years and it is directly related to family 'rules'. I call it The Parable of the Bread-Sack Sandwiches. Growing up, my family really looked forward to family vacations. My parents put money aside all year so we could go on at least one family vacation every year. My parents did not always have a lot of money but this vacation time was a time to splurge a little. It usually meant that we would eat out for our meals, and try new things. My husband also grew up in a family that didn't always have the most money and they had a large family, so to save money on family trips they would always make sandwiches and then stop somewhere a long the way for a family picnic. It was part of their family traditions. Now I am not above eating sandwiches, in fact I really like sandwiches, that is when they are freshly made... However I do not like, nor ever have liked, eating sandwiches that have been sitting in a cooler for hours and hours. Just thinking about it now, makes me sick. So imagine my horror when on one of the first family vacations I took with my in-laws,  my sweet father in law invited everyone to their kitchenette in their hotel room to 'make sandwiches of the trip home' not only was he suggesting that I make a sandwich that I wouldn't eat for hours, but he also gave me a bread-sack to put all four of the sandwiches in, together, in the same bag, touching. I nearly thought I would die. However for some ridiculous reason I did not feel like I could decline, in fact I didn't even know how to explain to my husband how upsetting this was to me! Of course he didn't see the problem, and so I would just make the sandwiches and pout all the way home- wishing we were stopping at a new place for lunch out but not really stating my reasons for being in a bad mood. I just felt like this was such a huge difference in my marriage, and it made me think about all the other differences our families had and made me doubt if we could ever be unified as a couple. This went on for YEARS, and it has taken me YEARS  to finally resolve this issue with my husband. It is so silly, but it has had a huge impact on those vacations. I don't mean to sound like a 'spoiled brat' but making sandwiches was just not a vacation to me. Fast forward to now. We have finally come to a compromise about vacations and sandwiches. Sometimes we plan to go out, sometimes we pack the making's for sandwiches, so I make fresh sandwiches on the road, or sometimes we just bring other 'snack' type food that maybe isn't the norm for us. I have finally been able to tell my father in law, "thanks for offering,  but we will be stopping for lunch" and  I can finally enjoy extended family vacations without feeling like the 'black sheep'!

This is a very silly example but I have seen the huge impact this has made on my relationships. Now that I have a daughter in law, I have tried to remember this example so it can influence the way that I act, or re-act to decisions my son and daughter in law make. I try to remember that my way isn't the only way, or even the best way, and that if they choose differently, it is not that they don't like me or anything, it's just different and they have to work these decisions themselves. That's what family is about.... learning to love each other despite our preferences and differences. It's about combining the best from both families and making new traditions.

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Balancing Power and the Beauty of Family Councils

I thought the readings paired nicely this week. At first I didn't see the connection but after reading all of the articles and doing some pondering on my own, I see how they go hand in hard. I must admit the article " Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families," by Richard B. Miller was an eye opener for myself. As I read the questions that were listed at the the end of the article out loud to my husband as we were traveling this weekend, I stopped in my tracks. I instantly saw that I have some work to do. The balance of power is a little out of whack and most of the issues are my responsibility. I really appreciated the wake- up call and was also very humbled as my husband listened to me and gave me positive feedback on ways we could improve. This brought up the issue of family councils and we enjoyed listening to Elder Eyring's talk"That We May Be One" together as a family. We then had a family council, right there in the car, and came to some agreements about some issues that we needed to solve. It worked wonderfully! I know that Elder Ballard's most recent talk on Family Councils was not part of the reading this week, but it really should be, and I hope it is added to the curriculum in the future. I intend to review this talk with my family on Sunday and make a greater commitment to have these councils on a regular basis. Elder Ballard gives this wise advice and promise if we will heed the counsel to have regular family councils.

"A family council that is patterned after the councils in heaven, filled with Christlike love, and guided by the Lord’s Spirit will help us to protect our family from distractions that can steal our precious time together and protect us from the evils of the world. Combined with prayer, a family council will invite the presence of the Savior, as He promised: “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” Inviting the Spirit of the Lord to be part of your family council brings blessings beyond description.Finally, please remember that a family council held regularly will help us spot family problems early and nip them in the bud; councils will give each family member a feeling of worth and importance; and most of all they will assist us to be more successful and happy in our precious relationships, within the walls of our homes."

As I thought about this, I realized that one of the best ways to balance the power in a home and marriage relationship is to have frequent councils together, as couples, as families and with our children one on one. When we do this, and do it in ways outlined by our leaders, we can increase the love and understanding in our homes, a place where everyone is heard and everyone feels free to express themselves. When we do this, then real problems can be solved and love can increase.

"The Grass is Greener Where You Water It"

This weeks reading assignments focused on martial fidelity. I really appreciated how the different aspects of this topic were discussed. I especially liked how the book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" pointed how how subtle the adversary can be in destroying marriages, even those marriages that were ordained by God for "Time and All Eternity."

I have often wondered how some people get themselves into a situation where they are unfaithful to their spouse. After reading the articles this week, it became a lot more clear and made me recommit myself to making sure I don't ignore any of those early warning signs that were talked about. From H. Wallace Goddard "We live in a time of great moral pollution. Even if we individually take moral purity seriously, we are surrounded by media and culture that celebrate sex as the currency of the realm. Immodesty commands our attention. Lust encourages our warped thinking. Our screen heroes and our real-life national heroes are as casual about sex as about a night on the town. Our contemporary attitude toward sex creates a desolating scourge. President Kimball has warned us that “infidelity is one of the great sins of our generation. The movies, the books, the magazine stories all seem to glamorize the faithlessness of husbands and wives. To the world nothing is holy, not even marriage vows . . . It reminds us of Isaiah, who said: ‘Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil. . . .’ (Isaiah 5:20).”

While Hollywood makes drama out of lust and seduction, the truly great dramas celebrate something different: faithfulness and holiness. Much like Jesus, Joseph “suffered temptations but gave no heed unto them” (D&C 20:22). In a time when lust is the backdrop to almost all relationships, Joseph stands as an example to us of a pure heart. Joseph honored his covenants above pleasure, lust, threats, prison, or convenience. He gave no place for evil.

I really like the story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife. We studied it quite extensively in my seminary class this year- we contrasted how Joseph responded to how David responded later to Bathsheba. Two very strong and chosen prophets made very different choices, and those choices led to consequences- positive one for Joseph and devastating ones for David. It all came down to how they dealt with those first tinges of temptation. Would they yield to it, just a little, or refuse at all costs to participate? We need to be like Joseph of Egypt who fled, even leaving his coat in the process.

Again from H. Wallace Goddard "As my wise colleague James Marshall observes, “The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water.” If we tend our own little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding. If we sit on the fence and dream, we will lose even our allotted garden spot. And the devil knows that.   We should be prepared for Satan’s attacks. He offers love, fun and a satisfying life. But it is a lie. He wants to get us to violate our covenants. But he has no joy to deliver on his grandiose promises. He is the master of misery. That is all he has to offer.Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come."

I have been blessed to have a husband that offers me complete fidelity and I return that same honor to him. We work at it. We often tell each other how much we appreciate that trust and work to make sure that we are not in situations where we could falter. Or as stated earlier we take care to 'water our side of the grass' and look forward to the continues sweetness and blessings that come from honoring our covenants.

The Magic 6 Hours

In the final chapter of John Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" he outlines how in just 6 hours a week you can see dramatic positive changes in your marriage. All of the advice and counsel given in his book was outstanding. I am working hard to implement the skills I am learning and hope to continue to do the activities in the book with my husband on date nights. I found the Magic Six Hours a great way to start improving my marriage today. My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. Our life right is very busy and we struggle to find time to be together and to even finish a sentence some nights. We both have busy church assignments, my husband is swamped in work issues, we have lots of activities going on with our kids and life just never seems to slow down. I was intrigued by this 6 hour fix and some of the simple ideas suggested. Some of these we already do pretty well, so that was encouraging. Some we need to be more consistent at, and a few we need to start. Here is an abbreviated list,I look forward to seeing my marriage improve as we implement these and other suggestions.  I encourage anyone interested in learning more to get a copy of this book and start using it's ideas today!

THE MAGIC 6 HOURS

• PARTINGS:  Make sure that before you say goodbye in the morning you learn one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day.

• REUNIONS: A hug and a kiss that lasts a least 6 seconds, a kiss worth coming home to and a stress reducing conversations about the day.

• ADMIRATION & APPRECIATION:  Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation.

• AFFECTION: Show each other physical affection when you're together during the day, and always embrace and kiss each other goodnight. Lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.

• WEEKLY DATE: Just the two of you spending time together every week!

• STATE OF THE UNION MEETING: Spend one hour every week to talk about the state of your relationship this week. What went right, where can you improve, etc. End with answering the question "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?'

Anger Is A Choice

 I have enjoyed this entire course and have already seen positive changes in my relationships because of the principles I am learning to implement. This week however is where I need the most work to improve my relationships. I learned a lot about myself in all of the readings this week. Elder Robbin's talk "Agency and Anger" was one of the best talks I have ever heard and will forever change me. Old habits will surface I am sure, but I will never again say "You make me so angry" without thinking of his words. In talking about Satan's role in causing conflict Elder Robbin's states...

"A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.”“He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!....Anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control"

These statements cut me to the core. I have justified my actions on so many occasions with these same excuses. But really I am CHOOSING to be angry. I can CHOOSE another emotion. This doesn't mean I have to give up or accept something that upsets me or bury my feelings, but I can choose how to respond. I can choose to not be angry as I try and work out my feelings with the person who has offended me in some way. When we practice responding in a way that is void of anger, is when healing, compromise and forgiveness can begin. It is then when we learn to respond to conflict like the Savior did.

" In Matthew 5, verse 22, the Lord says: “But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment” (emphasis added). How interesting that the phrase “without a cause” is not found in the inspired Joseph Smith Translation (see Matt. 5:24), nor in the 3 Nephi 12:22 [3 Ne. 12:22] version. When the Lord eliminates the phrase “without a cause,” He leaves us without an excuse. “But this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Ne. 11:30). We can “do away” with anger, for He has so taught and commanded us."

The Joseph Smith translation teaches us that being angry is never justifiable. We can always choose how we will react to others, especially our spouse. When we try to understand where our spouse is coming from, or what might be behind their attitude or comments. When we give other's the benefit of the doubt and CHOOSE not to be offended we can avoid a lot of conflicts that may arise.

“A Happy Marriage Is The Union Of Two Forgivers."

  "Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one’s individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified–perhaps even obligated–to end the relationship and find a new, more fulfilling one."  Roy Baumeister, a penetrating and contemporary social psychologist, has observed:   "Morality has become allied with self-interest. It is not simply that people have the right to do what is best for themselves; rather, it has become an almost sacred obligation to do so. The modern message is that what is right and good and valuable to do in life is to focus on yourself, to learn what is inside you, to express and cultivate these inner resources, to do what is best for yourself, and so forth.

  I see this kind of attitude all the time. It is definitely one of Satan's tools. If he can get us to think more about ourselves than others then the natural man takes over. In marriage we have to constantly work on thinking of our spouses needs as well as our own. We have to learn to say we are sorry, and notice when we need to change our thinking and actions. "Satan will laugh us into conflict and misunderstanding—unless we yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man (see Mosiah 3:19). No wonder God asks us to become as children—submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things. Unless we submit ourselves to God and His extraordinary way of thinking, we will always be isolated and discontented."

I find that I fall into this trap quite bit, without even meaning to. I have a bad day and want my husband to respond patiently and and with understanding, but he has a bad day and I don't always give him the same kindness back.  I am easily frustrated and need to work on looking at things from his point of view. Learning to serve each other is the best way we can grow together and over come selfishness. "Love is not a happy accident it is a choice"

Quotes taken from H. Wallace Goddard "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" )