"The Grass is Greener Where You Water It"

This weeks reading assignments focused on martial fidelity. I really appreciated how the different aspects of this topic were discussed. I especially liked how the book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" pointed how how subtle the adversary can be in destroying marriages, even those marriages that were ordained by God for "Time and All Eternity."

I have often wondered how some people get themselves into a situation where they are unfaithful to their spouse. After reading the articles this week, it became a lot more clear and made me recommit myself to making sure I don't ignore any of those early warning signs that were talked about. From H. Wallace Goddard "We live in a time of great moral pollution. Even if we individually take moral purity seriously, we are surrounded by media and culture that celebrate sex as the currency of the realm. Immodesty commands our attention. Lust encourages our warped thinking. Our screen heroes and our real-life national heroes are as casual about sex as about a night on the town. Our contemporary attitude toward sex creates a desolating scourge. President Kimball has warned us that “infidelity is one of the great sins of our generation. The movies, the books, the magazine stories all seem to glamorize the faithlessness of husbands and wives. To the world nothing is holy, not even marriage vows . . . It reminds us of Isaiah, who said: ‘Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil. . . .’ (Isaiah 5:20).”

While Hollywood makes drama out of lust and seduction, the truly great dramas celebrate something different: faithfulness and holiness. Much like Jesus, Joseph “suffered temptations but gave no heed unto them” (D&C 20:22). In a time when lust is the backdrop to almost all relationships, Joseph stands as an example to us of a pure heart. Joseph honored his covenants above pleasure, lust, threats, prison, or convenience. He gave no place for evil.

I really like the story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife. We studied it quite extensively in my seminary class this year- we contrasted how Joseph responded to how David responded later to Bathsheba. Two very strong and chosen prophets made very different choices, and those choices led to consequences- positive one for Joseph and devastating ones for David. It all came down to how they dealt with those first tinges of temptation. Would they yield to it, just a little, or refuse at all costs to participate? We need to be like Joseph of Egypt who fled, even leaving his coat in the process.

Again from H. Wallace Goddard "As my wise colleague James Marshall observes, “The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water.” If we tend our own little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding. If we sit on the fence and dream, we will lose even our allotted garden spot. And the devil knows that.   We should be prepared for Satan’s attacks. He offers love, fun and a satisfying life. But it is a lie. He wants to get us to violate our covenants. But he has no joy to deliver on his grandiose promises. He is the master of misery. That is all he has to offer.Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come."

I have been blessed to have a husband that offers me complete fidelity and I return that same honor to him. We work at it. We often tell each other how much we appreciate that trust and work to make sure that we are not in situations where we could falter. Or as stated earlier we take care to 'water our side of the grass' and look forward to the continues sweetness and blessings that come from honoring our covenants.

The Magic 6 Hours

In the final chapter of John Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" he outlines how in just 6 hours a week you can see dramatic positive changes in your marriage. All of the advice and counsel given in his book was outstanding. I am working hard to implement the skills I am learning and hope to continue to do the activities in the book with my husband on date nights. I found the Magic Six Hours a great way to start improving my marriage today. My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. Our life right is very busy and we struggle to find time to be together and to even finish a sentence some nights. We both have busy church assignments, my husband is swamped in work issues, we have lots of activities going on with our kids and life just never seems to slow down. I was intrigued by this 6 hour fix and some of the simple ideas suggested. Some of these we already do pretty well, so that was encouraging. Some we need to be more consistent at, and a few we need to start. Here is an abbreviated list,I look forward to seeing my marriage improve as we implement these and other suggestions.  I encourage anyone interested in learning more to get a copy of this book and start using it's ideas today!

THE MAGIC 6 HOURS

• PARTINGS:  Make sure that before you say goodbye in the morning you learn one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day.

• REUNIONS: A hug and a kiss that lasts a least 6 seconds, a kiss worth coming home to and a stress reducing conversations about the day.

• ADMIRATION & APPRECIATION:  Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation.

• AFFECTION: Show each other physical affection when you're together during the day, and always embrace and kiss each other goodnight. Lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.

• WEEKLY DATE: Just the two of you spending time together every week!

• STATE OF THE UNION MEETING: Spend one hour every week to talk about the state of your relationship this week. What went right, where can you improve, etc. End with answering the question "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?'

Anger Is A Choice

 I have enjoyed this entire course and have already seen positive changes in my relationships because of the principles I am learning to implement. This week however is where I need the most work to improve my relationships. I learned a lot about myself in all of the readings this week. Elder Robbin's talk "Agency and Anger" was one of the best talks I have ever heard and will forever change me. Old habits will surface I am sure, but I will never again say "You make me so angry" without thinking of his words. In talking about Satan's role in causing conflict Elder Robbin's states...

"A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.”“He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!....Anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control"

These statements cut me to the core. I have justified my actions on so many occasions with these same excuses. But really I am CHOOSING to be angry. I can CHOOSE another emotion. This doesn't mean I have to give up or accept something that upsets me or bury my feelings, but I can choose how to respond. I can choose to not be angry as I try and work out my feelings with the person who has offended me in some way. When we practice responding in a way that is void of anger, is when healing, compromise and forgiveness can begin. It is then when we learn to respond to conflict like the Savior did.

" In Matthew 5, verse 22, the Lord says: “But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment” (emphasis added). How interesting that the phrase “without a cause” is not found in the inspired Joseph Smith Translation (see Matt. 5:24), nor in the 3 Nephi 12:22 [3 Ne. 12:22] version. When the Lord eliminates the phrase “without a cause,” He leaves us without an excuse. “But this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Ne. 11:30). We can “do away” with anger, for He has so taught and commanded us."

The Joseph Smith translation teaches us that being angry is never justifiable. We can always choose how we will react to others, especially our spouse. When we try to understand where our spouse is coming from, or what might be behind their attitude or comments. When we give other's the benefit of the doubt and CHOOSE not to be offended we can avoid a lot of conflicts that may arise.

“A Happy Marriage Is The Union Of Two Forgivers."

  "Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one’s individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified–perhaps even obligated–to end the relationship and find a new, more fulfilling one."  Roy Baumeister, a penetrating and contemporary social psychologist, has observed:   "Morality has become allied with self-interest. It is not simply that people have the right to do what is best for themselves; rather, it has become an almost sacred obligation to do so. The modern message is that what is right and good and valuable to do in life is to focus on yourself, to learn what is inside you, to express and cultivate these inner resources, to do what is best for yourself, and so forth.

  I see this kind of attitude all the time. It is definitely one of Satan's tools. If he can get us to think more about ourselves than others then the natural man takes over. In marriage we have to constantly work on thinking of our spouses needs as well as our own. We have to learn to say we are sorry, and notice when we need to change our thinking and actions. "Satan will laugh us into conflict and misunderstanding—unless we yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man (see Mosiah 3:19). No wonder God asks us to become as children—submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things. Unless we submit ourselves to God and His extraordinary way of thinking, we will always be isolated and discontented."

I find that I fall into this trap quite bit, without even meaning to. I have a bad day and want my husband to respond patiently and and with understanding, but he has a bad day and I don't always give him the same kindness back.  I am easily frustrated and need to work on looking at things from his point of view. Learning to serve each other is the best way we can grow together and over come selfishness. "Love is not a happy accident it is a choice"

Quotes taken from H. Wallace Goddard "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" )

This video always makes me think....

An Eternal Perspective

Brigham Young once said to two sisters who approached him about wanting a divorce from their husbands. "If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.”  He said the same thing to husbands who had “fallen out of love” with their wives. Those are mighty words. When we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different. Filled with faith, we might adapt Jesus’ advice as our mantra: “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36). I would add “fret not, panic not.”

What powerful words!  Several things this week made me stop in my tracks and realize that I have a lot of work to do to be an ideal marriage partner. I have been too judgmental and unfair to my husband, sometimes holding him to a higher expectation than I do myself.  I loved the quote from Marjorie Hinckley when asked about her secret to marriage. She replied "I lowered my expectations." I loved this, and Sister Hinckley was married to a prophet! I think I have had much higher expectations of what marriage looks like and what my husband should or shouldn't do.  I need to realize more often how wonderful my marriage is and how good I really have it!

There were so many eye opening thoughts in this chapter. Take this one for instance: “Marriage is full of tempests in teapots. We bristle over our partner’s word choice or disinterest in our story. We fret and complain about this purchase or that insensitivity. We grumble about a chore neglected or a kindness unappreciated. We may be bothered by indecisiveness, hygiene, grammar, food preferences, clothing style, personality, lack of religiosity, stubbornness . . . the list is endless! Over time we transform irritations into evils. With time we come to think of our partners as disappointments or failures.”  Have you every considered that all of our relationships, but especially our relationship with our spouse, give us opportunities to become more like God?  Goddard continues “When we feel any level of irritation, God is saying, “Hey! Here’s a chance for you to become more like me!” When we choose to be more Christlike in our relationships, when we choose to not be annoyed or offended we are becoming more and more like our Savior and Heavenly parents. Isn’t that what we are all striving for most in this mortal life! Isn’t that the whole purpose of why we are here? Is it really to be right, or to focus on the things that really don’t matter? Or is it to focus on building each other up and learning to control our tempers and words?  

My Dad taught me a great lesson when I was first married. Our lawn had a bunch of thistles in it, and it drove me crazy! I wanted my husband to care about the thistles, I wanted him to get rid of them, I was so frustrated that he didn’t seem to care about them. I complained about it, I berated him. “The neighbors didn’t have thistles in their yards, maybe the neighbors had a better marriage than we did”… were just some of my irrational thoughts. Finally in exasperation I asked my Dad “Tell me what do I do to get my husband to care about the thistles in the lawn!” He said to me “What matters more, your husband or the thistles?” “Are you going to poison your relationship over weeds in your lawn, or are you going to find a way to build your husband up and work on getting rid of the thistles together?” To say I was humbled would be an understatement. I think of that example a lot. I have a long way to go and I still get caught up way to easily in the ‘thistles’ of life but I am learning that what really matters is how my husband feels about himself and how I show him my love and appreciation for all the things that he does do for me and for our family. 

What Matter's More?

I will close with some questions we should often ask ourselves to see how we are doing on building each other up and focusing on things that really matter in our relationships. These come from a talk by Linda K. Burton, “We'll Ascend Together" which was life changing for me when I first heard it. 

• When was the last time I sincerely praised my companion, either alone or in the presence of our children?

• When was the last time I thanked, expressed love for, or earnestly pleaded in faith for him or her in prayer?

• When was the last time I stopped myself from saying something I knew could be hurtful?

• When was the last time I apologized and humbly asked for forgiveness—without adding the words “but if only you had” or “but if only you hadn’t”?

• When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be “right”?

A principle I know to be true is that when we focus on each other’s strengths and make efforts to show appreciation for the little things that we do see our spouses doing is when we can start to see change. Not only in how we think about each other but how we feel about ourselves.

Quotes not cited in the post are from the book; “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage"