An Eternal Perspective

Brigham Young once said to two sisters who approached him about wanting a divorce from their husbands. "If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.”  He said the same thing to husbands who had “fallen out of love” with their wives. Those are mighty words. When we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different. Filled with faith, we might adapt Jesus’ advice as our mantra: “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36). I would add “fret not, panic not.”

What powerful words!  Several things this week made me stop in my tracks and realize that I have a lot of work to do to be an ideal marriage partner. I have been too judgmental and unfair to my husband, sometimes holding him to a higher expectation than I do myself.  I loved the quote from Marjorie Hinckley when asked about her secret to marriage. She replied "I lowered my expectations." I loved this, and Sister Hinckley was married to a prophet! I think I have had much higher expectations of what marriage looks like and what my husband should or shouldn't do.  I need to realize more often how wonderful my marriage is and how good I really have it!

There were so many eye opening thoughts in this chapter. Take this one for instance: “Marriage is full of tempests in teapots. We bristle over our partner’s word choice or disinterest in our story. We fret and complain about this purchase or that insensitivity. We grumble about a chore neglected or a kindness unappreciated. We may be bothered by indecisiveness, hygiene, grammar, food preferences, clothing style, personality, lack of religiosity, stubbornness . . . the list is endless! Over time we transform irritations into evils. With time we come to think of our partners as disappointments or failures.”  Have you every considered that all of our relationships, but especially our relationship with our spouse, give us opportunities to become more like God?  Goddard continues “When we feel any level of irritation, God is saying, “Hey! Here’s a chance for you to become more like me!” When we choose to be more Christlike in our relationships, when we choose to not be annoyed or offended we are becoming more and more like our Savior and Heavenly parents. Isn’t that what we are all striving for most in this mortal life! Isn’t that the whole purpose of why we are here? Is it really to be right, or to focus on the things that really don’t matter? Or is it to focus on building each other up and learning to control our tempers and words?  

My Dad taught me a great lesson when I was first married. Our lawn had a bunch of thistles in it, and it drove me crazy! I wanted my husband to care about the thistles, I wanted him to get rid of them, I was so frustrated that he didn’t seem to care about them. I complained about it, I berated him. “The neighbors didn’t have thistles in their yards, maybe the neighbors had a better marriage than we did”… were just some of my irrational thoughts. Finally in exasperation I asked my Dad “Tell me what do I do to get my husband to care about the thistles in the lawn!” He said to me “What matters more, your husband or the thistles?” “Are you going to poison your relationship over weeds in your lawn, or are you going to find a way to build your husband up and work on getting rid of the thistles together?” To say I was humbled would be an understatement. I think of that example a lot. I have a long way to go and I still get caught up way to easily in the ‘thistles’ of life but I am learning that what really matters is how my husband feels about himself and how I show him my love and appreciation for all the things that he does do for me and for our family. 

What Matter's More?

I will close with some questions we should often ask ourselves to see how we are doing on building each other up and focusing on things that really matter in our relationships. These come from a talk by Linda K. Burton, “We'll Ascend Together" which was life changing for me when I first heard it. 

• When was the last time I sincerely praised my companion, either alone or in the presence of our children?

• When was the last time I thanked, expressed love for, or earnestly pleaded in faith for him or her in prayer?

• When was the last time I stopped myself from saying something I knew could be hurtful?

• When was the last time I apologized and humbly asked for forgiveness—without adding the words “but if only you had” or “but if only you hadn’t”?

• When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be “right”?

A principle I know to be true is that when we focus on each other’s strengths and make efforts to show appreciation for the little things that we do see our spouses doing is when we can start to see change. Not only in how we think about each other but how we feel about ourselves.

Quotes not cited in the post are from the book; “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage"