In-laws and the Parable of the "Bread-Sack Sandwiches"

This is end of my blog posts for this course- If you have been following this blog, and gaining any insight at all, I highly recommend this BYUI Family 300 course as well as the main texts that were used. These links should take you to Amazon where you can purchase them:
1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
2. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage
3. A new source from this week:  Helping and Healing Our Families: Principles and Practices Inspired by The Family: A Proclamation to the World
I am buying this book today so I can learn from the other chapters as well!

What a great way to end such a fabulous course! This week's readings centered on developing relationships with extended family and also how we each come into a marriage with a set of 'rules' from our own families and how those can cause difficulties. The chapters on 'family rules' was centered a lot on finances but also on 'rules' in general. I could see clearly, in my own life and marriage, how the 'rules' we have both brought into our marriage have really taken a while to mesh. I wish I could have taken this course 25 years ago, in many ways I think it would have helped us work some of these differences out years ago.

You see I have always loved my in-laws, and they have been very accepting and kind to me from the first day I met them, but I haven't always felt like I 'fit in'. I am certain this is in part because we have both grown up with different 'rules'.

In chapter 2 of "Till Debt Do Us Part" Bernard Poduska states"As you begin your transition from single life to married life with children, be assured you will have to overcome difficulties. Many of these difficulties may originate in something else you brought with you to your marriage: your separate sets of 'family rules". Because of your upbringing in your particular family (your 'family of origin'), certain rules guide you in your social roles, govern your interpersonal relationships, set limits on your behavior, and enable you to reasonably predict the behaviors of others." As I look back I can see how we have taken some of my husband's 'rules' and some of my 'rules' into our own family. We have also made a lot of our own 'rules'. It takes a lot of give and take to get things where they are best for the two of you and your own little family.

I have a great example of this in my marriage, that my husband and I can- FINALLY  laugh about...
It is the silliest thing, but it caused a lot of turmoil for me for years and it is directly related to family 'rules'. I call it The Parable of the Bread-Sack Sandwiches. Growing up, my family really looked forward to family vacations. My parents put money aside all year so we could go on at least one family vacation every year. My parents did not always have a lot of money but this vacation time was a time to splurge a little. It usually meant that we would eat out for our meals, and try new things. My husband also grew up in a family that didn't always have the most money and they had a large family, so to save money on family trips they would always make sandwiches and then stop somewhere a long the way for a family picnic. It was part of their family traditions. Now I am not above eating sandwiches, in fact I really like sandwiches, that is when they are freshly made... However I do not like, nor ever have liked, eating sandwiches that have been sitting in a cooler for hours and hours. Just thinking about it now, makes me sick. So imagine my horror when on one of the first family vacations I took with my in-laws,  my sweet father in law invited everyone to their kitchenette in their hotel room to 'make sandwiches of the trip home' not only was he suggesting that I make a sandwich that I wouldn't eat for hours, but he also gave me a bread-sack to put all four of the sandwiches in, together, in the same bag, touching. I nearly thought I would die. However for some ridiculous reason I did not feel like I could decline, in fact I didn't even know how to explain to my husband how upsetting this was to me! Of course he didn't see the problem, and so I would just make the sandwiches and pout all the way home- wishing we were stopping at a new place for lunch out but not really stating my reasons for being in a bad mood. I just felt like this was such a huge difference in my marriage, and it made me think about all the other differences our families had and made me doubt if we could ever be unified as a couple. This went on for YEARS, and it has taken me YEARS  to finally resolve this issue with my husband. It is so silly, but it has had a huge impact on those vacations. I don't mean to sound like a 'spoiled brat' but making sandwiches was just not a vacation to me. Fast forward to now. We have finally come to a compromise about vacations and sandwiches. Sometimes we plan to go out, sometimes we pack the making's for sandwiches, so I make fresh sandwiches on the road, or sometimes we just bring other 'snack' type food that maybe isn't the norm for us. I have finally been able to tell my father in law, "thanks for offering,  but we will be stopping for lunch" and  I can finally enjoy extended family vacations without feeling like the 'black sheep'!

This is a very silly example but I have seen the huge impact this has made on my relationships. Now that I have a daughter in law, I have tried to remember this example so it can influence the way that I act, or re-act to decisions my son and daughter in law make. I try to remember that my way isn't the only way, or even the best way, and that if they choose differently, it is not that they don't like me or anything, it's just different and they have to work these decisions themselves. That's what family is about.... learning to love each other despite our preferences and differences. It's about combining the best from both families and making new traditions.

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Balancing Power and the Beauty of Family Councils

I thought the readings paired nicely this week. At first I didn't see the connection but after reading all of the articles and doing some pondering on my own, I see how they go hand in hard. I must admit the article " Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families," by Richard B. Miller was an eye opener for myself. As I read the questions that were listed at the the end of the article out loud to my husband as we were traveling this weekend, I stopped in my tracks. I instantly saw that I have some work to do. The balance of power is a little out of whack and most of the issues are my responsibility. I really appreciated the wake- up call and was also very humbled as my husband listened to me and gave me positive feedback on ways we could improve. This brought up the issue of family councils and we enjoyed listening to Elder Eyring's talk"That We May Be One" together as a family. We then had a family council, right there in the car, and came to some agreements about some issues that we needed to solve. It worked wonderfully! I know that Elder Ballard's most recent talk on Family Councils was not part of the reading this week, but it really should be, and I hope it is added to the curriculum in the future. I intend to review this talk with my family on Sunday and make a greater commitment to have these councils on a regular basis. Elder Ballard gives this wise advice and promise if we will heed the counsel to have regular family councils.

"A family council that is patterned after the councils in heaven, filled with Christlike love, and guided by the Lord’s Spirit will help us to protect our family from distractions that can steal our precious time together and protect us from the evils of the world. Combined with prayer, a family council will invite the presence of the Savior, as He promised: “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” Inviting the Spirit of the Lord to be part of your family council brings blessings beyond description.Finally, please remember that a family council held regularly will help us spot family problems early and nip them in the bud; councils will give each family member a feeling of worth and importance; and most of all they will assist us to be more successful and happy in our precious relationships, within the walls of our homes."

As I thought about this, I realized that one of the best ways to balance the power in a home and marriage relationship is to have frequent councils together, as couples, as families and with our children one on one. When we do this, and do it in ways outlined by our leaders, we can increase the love and understanding in our homes, a place where everyone is heard and everyone feels free to express themselves. When we do this, then real problems can be solved and love can increase.

"The Grass is Greener Where You Water It"

This weeks reading assignments focused on martial fidelity. I really appreciated how the different aspects of this topic were discussed. I especially liked how the book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" pointed how how subtle the adversary can be in destroying marriages, even those marriages that were ordained by God for "Time and All Eternity."

I have often wondered how some people get themselves into a situation where they are unfaithful to their spouse. After reading the articles this week, it became a lot more clear and made me recommit myself to making sure I don't ignore any of those early warning signs that were talked about. From H. Wallace Goddard "We live in a time of great moral pollution. Even if we individually take moral purity seriously, we are surrounded by media and culture that celebrate sex as the currency of the realm. Immodesty commands our attention. Lust encourages our warped thinking. Our screen heroes and our real-life national heroes are as casual about sex as about a night on the town. Our contemporary attitude toward sex creates a desolating scourge. President Kimball has warned us that “infidelity is one of the great sins of our generation. The movies, the books, the magazine stories all seem to glamorize the faithlessness of husbands and wives. To the world nothing is holy, not even marriage vows . . . It reminds us of Isaiah, who said: ‘Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil. . . .’ (Isaiah 5:20).”

While Hollywood makes drama out of lust and seduction, the truly great dramas celebrate something different: faithfulness and holiness. Much like Jesus, Joseph “suffered temptations but gave no heed unto them” (D&C 20:22). In a time when lust is the backdrop to almost all relationships, Joseph stands as an example to us of a pure heart. Joseph honored his covenants above pleasure, lust, threats, prison, or convenience. He gave no place for evil.

I really like the story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife. We studied it quite extensively in my seminary class this year- we contrasted how Joseph responded to how David responded later to Bathsheba. Two very strong and chosen prophets made very different choices, and those choices led to consequences- positive one for Joseph and devastating ones for David. It all came down to how they dealt with those first tinges of temptation. Would they yield to it, just a little, or refuse at all costs to participate? We need to be like Joseph of Egypt who fled, even leaving his coat in the process.

Again from H. Wallace Goddard "As my wise colleague James Marshall observes, “The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water.” If we tend our own little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding. If we sit on the fence and dream, we will lose even our allotted garden spot. And the devil knows that.   We should be prepared for Satan’s attacks. He offers love, fun and a satisfying life. But it is a lie. He wants to get us to violate our covenants. But he has no joy to deliver on his grandiose promises. He is the master of misery. That is all he has to offer.Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come."

I have been blessed to have a husband that offers me complete fidelity and I return that same honor to him. We work at it. We often tell each other how much we appreciate that trust and work to make sure that we are not in situations where we could falter. Or as stated earlier we take care to 'water our side of the grass' and look forward to the continues sweetness and blessings that come from honoring our covenants.

The Magic 6 Hours

In the final chapter of John Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" he outlines how in just 6 hours a week you can see dramatic positive changes in your marriage. All of the advice and counsel given in his book was outstanding. I am working hard to implement the skills I am learning and hope to continue to do the activities in the book with my husband on date nights. I found the Magic Six Hours a great way to start improving my marriage today. My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. Our life right is very busy and we struggle to find time to be together and to even finish a sentence some nights. We both have busy church assignments, my husband is swamped in work issues, we have lots of activities going on with our kids and life just never seems to slow down. I was intrigued by this 6 hour fix and some of the simple ideas suggested. Some of these we already do pretty well, so that was encouraging. Some we need to be more consistent at, and a few we need to start. Here is an abbreviated list,I look forward to seeing my marriage improve as we implement these and other suggestions.  I encourage anyone interested in learning more to get a copy of this book and start using it's ideas today!

THE MAGIC 6 HOURS

• PARTINGS:  Make sure that before you say goodbye in the morning you learn one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day.

• REUNIONS: A hug and a kiss that lasts a least 6 seconds, a kiss worth coming home to and a stress reducing conversations about the day.

• ADMIRATION & APPRECIATION:  Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation.

• AFFECTION: Show each other physical affection when you're together during the day, and always embrace and kiss each other goodnight. Lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.

• WEEKLY DATE: Just the two of you spending time together every week!

• STATE OF THE UNION MEETING: Spend one hour every week to talk about the state of your relationship this week. What went right, where can you improve, etc. End with answering the question "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?'

Anger Is A Choice

 I have enjoyed this entire course and have already seen positive changes in my relationships because of the principles I am learning to implement. This week however is where I need the most work to improve my relationships. I learned a lot about myself in all of the readings this week. Elder Robbin's talk "Agency and Anger" was one of the best talks I have ever heard and will forever change me. Old habits will surface I am sure, but I will never again say "You make me so angry" without thinking of his words. In talking about Satan's role in causing conflict Elder Robbin's states...

"A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.”“He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!....Anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control"

These statements cut me to the core. I have justified my actions on so many occasions with these same excuses. But really I am CHOOSING to be angry. I can CHOOSE another emotion. This doesn't mean I have to give up or accept something that upsets me or bury my feelings, but I can choose how to respond. I can choose to not be angry as I try and work out my feelings with the person who has offended me in some way. When we practice responding in a way that is void of anger, is when healing, compromise and forgiveness can begin. It is then when we learn to respond to conflict like the Savior did.

" In Matthew 5, verse 22, the Lord says: “But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment” (emphasis added). How interesting that the phrase “without a cause” is not found in the inspired Joseph Smith Translation (see Matt. 5:24), nor in the 3 Nephi 12:22 [3 Ne. 12:22] version. When the Lord eliminates the phrase “without a cause,” He leaves us without an excuse. “But this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Ne. 11:30). We can “do away” with anger, for He has so taught and commanded us."

The Joseph Smith translation teaches us that being angry is never justifiable. We can always choose how we will react to others, especially our spouse. When we try to understand where our spouse is coming from, or what might be behind their attitude or comments. When we give other's the benefit of the doubt and CHOOSE not to be offended we can avoid a lot of conflicts that may arise.

“A Happy Marriage Is The Union Of Two Forgivers."

  "Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one’s individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified–perhaps even obligated–to end the relationship and find a new, more fulfilling one."  Roy Baumeister, a penetrating and contemporary social psychologist, has observed:   "Morality has become allied with self-interest. It is not simply that people have the right to do what is best for themselves; rather, it has become an almost sacred obligation to do so. The modern message is that what is right and good and valuable to do in life is to focus on yourself, to learn what is inside you, to express and cultivate these inner resources, to do what is best for yourself, and so forth.

  I see this kind of attitude all the time. It is definitely one of Satan's tools. If he can get us to think more about ourselves than others then the natural man takes over. In marriage we have to constantly work on thinking of our spouses needs as well as our own. We have to learn to say we are sorry, and notice when we need to change our thinking and actions. "Satan will laugh us into conflict and misunderstanding—unless we yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man (see Mosiah 3:19). No wonder God asks us to become as children—submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things. Unless we submit ourselves to God and His extraordinary way of thinking, we will always be isolated and discontented."

I find that I fall into this trap quite bit, without even meaning to. I have a bad day and want my husband to respond patiently and and with understanding, but he has a bad day and I don't always give him the same kindness back.  I am easily frustrated and need to work on looking at things from his point of view. Learning to serve each other is the best way we can grow together and over come selfishness. "Love is not a happy accident it is a choice"

Quotes taken from H. Wallace Goddard "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" )

This video always makes me think....

An Eternal Perspective

Brigham Young once said to two sisters who approached him about wanting a divorce from their husbands. "If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.”  He said the same thing to husbands who had “fallen out of love” with their wives. Those are mighty words. When we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different. Filled with faith, we might adapt Jesus’ advice as our mantra: “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36). I would add “fret not, panic not.”

What powerful words!  Several things this week made me stop in my tracks and realize that I have a lot of work to do to be an ideal marriage partner. I have been too judgmental and unfair to my husband, sometimes holding him to a higher expectation than I do myself.  I loved the quote from Marjorie Hinckley when asked about her secret to marriage. She replied "I lowered my expectations." I loved this, and Sister Hinckley was married to a prophet! I think I have had much higher expectations of what marriage looks like and what my husband should or shouldn't do.  I need to realize more often how wonderful my marriage is and how good I really have it!

There were so many eye opening thoughts in this chapter. Take this one for instance: “Marriage is full of tempests in teapots. We bristle over our partner’s word choice or disinterest in our story. We fret and complain about this purchase or that insensitivity. We grumble about a chore neglected or a kindness unappreciated. We may be bothered by indecisiveness, hygiene, grammar, food preferences, clothing style, personality, lack of religiosity, stubbornness . . . the list is endless! Over time we transform irritations into evils. With time we come to think of our partners as disappointments or failures.”  Have you every considered that all of our relationships, but especially our relationship with our spouse, give us opportunities to become more like God?  Goddard continues “When we feel any level of irritation, God is saying, “Hey! Here’s a chance for you to become more like me!” When we choose to be more Christlike in our relationships, when we choose to not be annoyed or offended we are becoming more and more like our Savior and Heavenly parents. Isn’t that what we are all striving for most in this mortal life! Isn’t that the whole purpose of why we are here? Is it really to be right, or to focus on the things that really don’t matter? Or is it to focus on building each other up and learning to control our tempers and words?  

My Dad taught me a great lesson when I was first married. Our lawn had a bunch of thistles in it, and it drove me crazy! I wanted my husband to care about the thistles, I wanted him to get rid of them, I was so frustrated that he didn’t seem to care about them. I complained about it, I berated him. “The neighbors didn’t have thistles in their yards, maybe the neighbors had a better marriage than we did”… were just some of my irrational thoughts. Finally in exasperation I asked my Dad “Tell me what do I do to get my husband to care about the thistles in the lawn!” He said to me “What matters more, your husband or the thistles?” “Are you going to poison your relationship over weeds in your lawn, or are you going to find a way to build your husband up and work on getting rid of the thistles together?” To say I was humbled would be an understatement. I think of that example a lot. I have a long way to go and I still get caught up way to easily in the ‘thistles’ of life but I am learning that what really matters is how my husband feels about himself and how I show him my love and appreciation for all the things that he does do for me and for our family. 

What Matter's More?

I will close with some questions we should often ask ourselves to see how we are doing on building each other up and focusing on things that really matter in our relationships. These come from a talk by Linda K. Burton, “We'll Ascend Together" which was life changing for me when I first heard it. 

• When was the last time I sincerely praised my companion, either alone or in the presence of our children?

• When was the last time I thanked, expressed love for, or earnestly pleaded in faith for him or her in prayer?

• When was the last time I stopped myself from saying something I knew could be hurtful?

• When was the last time I apologized and humbly asked for forgiveness—without adding the words “but if only you had” or “but if only you hadn’t”?

• When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be “right”?

A principle I know to be true is that when we focus on each other’s strengths and make efforts to show appreciation for the little things that we do see our spouses doing is when we can start to see change. Not only in how we think about each other but how we feel about ourselves.

Quotes not cited in the post are from the book; “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" 

Choose Your Love and Love Your Choice

Several things struck me this week in the reading material. I saw many areas where I need to improve and be more humble and forgiving. I like the way Elder Joe J. Christensen counseled married couples when he said "Ceaseless pinpricking" as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage... Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don't need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, so of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive."  I know I that I don't like or appreciate someone else pointing out my flaws and faults so why would I ever think that doing so to someone else would ever be helpful?

I also really appreciated this statement from President  Joseph  F. Smith  “If all mankind would live in strict obedience to the gospel, and in that love which is begotten by the Spirit of the Lord, all marriages would be eternal; divorce would be unknown. Divorce is not part of the gospel plan and has been introduced because of the hardness of heart and unbelief of the people. . . . There never could be a divorce in this church if the husband and wife were keeping the commandments of God.” This made me think about where am I falling short, where do I need to strengthen my resolve to better live the commandments ?

From H. Wallace Goddard "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" he says "It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner’s grammar or perceptions and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly. It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partners and yet resist the temptation to smirk." and John Gottman gave some very wise counsel in his book "Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work" in how to deal with the temptation to argue with or criticize your spouse when he said “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.”

I have a great example in my Great grandmother, someone who had the great character that Goddard is speaking of. I clearly remember her and my great grandfather discussing something and if they disagreed about something,I remember her saying " Oh I must have remembered it differently" and going on with the conversation. There was no need to correct the details or any desire to be right. Just mutual love and respect.  I love the quote by President Thomas S. Monson given in a conference address in April 2011 when he said "Choose a companion carefully and prayerfully; and when you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another. Priceless advice comes from a small framed plaque I once saw in the home of an uncle and aunt. It read, “Choose your love; love your choice.” There is great wisdom in those few words. Commitment in marriage is absolutely essential."  I think this commitment that President Monson is referring to is more than just being faithful to martial vows it is being fiercely loyal to one another and treating your eternal companion with the upmost respect, love, tolerance and kindness in words and actions every day in every situation. I want to have that kind of love and compassion and commitment  for my own eternal companion. I have a long way to go but I am trying, and practice makes perfect. It is never too late to start treating your companion with more kindness and understanding.

Pearl and Fred Smith- My Great Grandparents

John Gottman Explains The Truth About Great Relationships

The Communication Myth

One of the required texts for my Family 300 class is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman I am really enjoying this book and it is different that any marriage improvement book I have ever read. Gottman's approach is different yet realistic and has made me already made a difference in the way I approach my marriage and other family relationships  I have found Gottman's thoughts and research on marriage in his book  fascinating. Having been married for almost 25 years we have had our share of communication issues. We still struggle with some of the same bad habits and arguments over the same topics. Reading Gottman's research and suggestions was a breath of fresh air. He says "The notion that you can save your marriage  just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriage." Gottman suggests that being friends and finding ways to reduce the tension when tempers flare is a better way to resolve conflict. It isn't the essence of conflict, that damages a marriage, that is just called life! It is how we try to repair things when their is conflict that can have lasting value. 

The other required text for this class is Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. I am also really enjoying this book. One of  Goddard's examples that he gives in the first chapter of his book focuses on how we deal with relationship issues by using the parable of the Good Samaritan. We have to be wiling to look at the needs of those we love and look past their flaws. His insights really opened my eyes to the depth of this parable and where I need to make adjustments in how I treat those I love. 

I found as I read chapters from both of these book that I have a lot to work on. Gottman uses the examples of the 'Four Horseman': Criticism  Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling as some of the most important places to start when you want to improve communication with your spouse  and I can see myself in all of those situations. I really need to look at myself and how I can improve, where I am weak and how I can learn to better love and respect my husband and family. I am excited to learn more from each of these respected therapists in the weeks to come. I highly recommend these two books to anyone who is looking to improve their relationships. 

Covenant Marriage Takes Work!

I throughly enjoyed the talk given by Elder Bruce C. Hafen entitled “Covenant Marriage” in this article Elder Hafen discusses the difference between a Contract Marriage and a Covenant Marriage. I enjoyed the anecdote he tells about a newly married bride because in some ways it reminds me of myself as a young bride deeply in love and ready to live “happily ever after. Elder Hafen says “A bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!” “Yes,” replied her mother, “but at which end?” I remember feeling much this same way, I had made it to the temple and was being sealed to my sweetheart, what could possible cause us anything but pure bliss? I learned quickly that marriage is work! 

 When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by looking to find themselves and sometimes even walking away.They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. However when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. When we understand that we are bound together by covenants this changes how we react to conflict and trials. “Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent”  When we are sealed for time and all eternity to our husband or wife we have entered into a sacred ordinance and covenant with God. It is an essential ordinance to obtain the highest degree of glory. It is the crowing ordinance, that makes us eligible, if we honor and fulfill out responsibilities, to become like our Heavenly parents. In very simple terms “It’s a big deal.”

 Actually marriage should always be a ‘big deal’ but unfortunately so much of the world doesn’t seem to see it in the same way. Most marriages tend to be contract based. You enter into an agreement with each other that you will and will not do certain things. You promised to stick it out when times get tough, but so many times when the tough times come, the marriage or contract crumbles. As I think about this and the experiences  my husband and I have faced in nearly 25 years of marriage  I know that building a covenant marriage takes work, never-ending work. We have to continue to strengthen that bond, we have to constantly try harder to see where we can offer help and support, we have to learn to compromise and to work things out. Life brings so many changes and curve balls and we have to be ready and willing to work together during all of these ups and downs. However by continuing to stick it out no matter what life throws at us helps us to become even more committed to the relationship and then more committed to each other. As time goes on, we truly become one. 

Elder Bednar offers some very good counsel when he listed one of the basic principles to Eternal marriage in his talk "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan"“The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.” This teaches me that we can’t do it alone, we cannot be perfect without each other and without the help of the Savior. “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” 1 Corinthians 11:11. So we have to learn to work together, in all aspects of marriage. We have to be connected, the the Lord has to be involved. It is a three way covenant. When we look at marriage in this way we can whether almost any storm life will bring. “ I  [we] can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:13. I want to do all I can to honor my covenant marriage and make it last into eternity. 

August 17, 1991

Are you ready to join the ranks?

I was moved during this week's readings by this statement from Elder Russell M. Nelson. "The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday. It is about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night—24/7! There is no such thing as a “part-time” disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus invited anyone who wants to be His disciple to take up His cross and follow Him. Are you ready to join the ranks? Or will you be ashamed of the gospel? Will you be ashamed of your Lord and His plan?  Will you yield to voices of those who would have you join them on the popular side of contemporary history?

When I take a step back and see how the world has changed it's view and position on what marriage is, and what is good for families and societies I am amazed at how quickly things have changed. I remember like it was yesterday in 1995 when President Gordon B. Hinckley first presented The Family A Proclamation to the World in a General Women's Meeting broadcast. I remember thinking, well that was interesting but we all know those things, why does he feel like he needs to remind us in such an official way. Fast forward 20 years and look at where we have ended up! Not only is it a testimony to me in the power of following a prophet, seer and revelatory but also how quickly evil can seem good and good evil.

So how as Latter- Day Saints can we uphold our values and position on marriage, without being offensive to those that so not share our beliefs. How can we join the ranks? I think it starts with us. I think it starts with how we feel about and honor our own marriage vows. I think it starts with being the best parents we can be. It starts with living our beliefs in a way that no one can wonder where we stand. That being said we also have to be civil and understanding. I won't deny that reading some of these arguments, pull at my heart strings a little.I have know several gay couples that are outstanding citizens and friends. I don't have any ill feelings towards them even though they have chosen a different path.  I do think that same sex couples should be able to have civil unions. I do think that they should be able to act as next of kin for example and to be treated respectfully. However I think redefining marriage is not our right, it is ordained by God and must be protected.

One of my classmates suggested that marriage licenses no longer be issued for anyone. That all couples regardless of religion or sexual orientation be offered civil union license. Then those that believe in marriage being a God ordained institution could choose to be married in the religious institution of their choice. I thought this was an interesting idea. Although I stand firmly for traditional marriage, I believe that other's have the right to life and love in the way that they choose. My concern is that in changing the laws of marriage we are on a slippery slope of limiting religious freedom. In the 11th Article of Faith ( a list of 13 statements on the beliefs of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) it states " We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." In order for me to practice my faith as I believe I am obligated to offer that same right to those that believe differently. We must learn to live together in respect and consideration, agreeing to disagree if needed. 

As a Latter-Day Saint I am trying my best to live my life in a way that is authentic. I want those who know me, to know my beliefs by the way I live my life. When they hear my name I want them to acknowledge that I was a person who stood up for my faith, but also allowed other's to do the same. I want others to speak of me as someone who truly 'lived their religion" and 'practiced what I preached". I also want them to say that I loved others, and allowed other's to live in the way that they chose. That even thought I have strong opinions I was respectful, loving and kind to all. I have a long way to go to fully accomplish this but I am trying my best everyday. 

Hannah and Samuel / Rick and Ricki

One of my assignments this week for my Family 300 class was to write a paper on a transitional character. A transitional character is best described by this quote:

“A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. The changes might be for good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are those individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold. They refute  the observation that abused children become abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become alcoholic adults, that “the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of the children to the third and fourth generation.” Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.” - Carlfred Broderick (1992). Marriage and the Family. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall.

This assignment touched very close to home for me because this story is my story

A transitional character I found in the scriptures is Samuel from the Old Testament found in 1 Samuel. Hannah had prayed to have a son and promised that if the Lord would grant her petition, than she would give her son to the priest Eli, to serve in the tabernacle. Hannah followed through with her promise and when Samuel was old enough she brought Samuel to Eli at the doors of the tabernacle. Hannah visited yearly when she came to offer the year sacrifice and brought a coat each year to Samuel. Eli had sons who were very wicked and the Lord had lost some of his trust in Eli because he would not stop the wicked acts of his sons. One night the Lord called to Samuel, he thought it was Eli calling but came to find out it was the Lord calling him. Samuel answered “Here Am I” From that day forward Samuel was a great prophet and served the Lord of Israel all the days of his life. His influence was felt by many and the priesthood was preserved because of his obedience.

This story has great meaning to me personally because my story is very similar. My father was not living a righteous life when he was younger, he had some demons from his own childhood to face and conquer. My father prayed to have a child and also told the Lord that he would turn his life to Him if he could also have a child. I was born and my father kept his promise. He went through the steps of repentance and has served the Lord ever since. My father is the most Christlike man I know. He is the most selfless and forgiving man I know. He has taught me by example what it means to be a covenant keeper. My father’s commitment to the gospel and breaking the chain of addiction and abuse he suffered in his own childhood has made a difference in my life, but also in the lives of his own parents, brothers and sisters. He has never given up on them, and many of them have followed his example and have turned their hearts and lives to the gospel and sought the healing that the atonement can bring.

When I think about what it means to be a transitional character, I think of someone who is able to break the chain of poor behavior and start a new chain. I think of someone who works hard to turn away from what they grew up seeing others in their lives do. They want to make a difference for good, they want to change the negative atmosphere they lived in and make it better. Transitional characters can often do this while still staying close to the family members that were once toxic.
They can, by example and love show that a different path can be taken. Transitional characters can be Savior’s on Mount Zion. They can change generations and those who’s lived they touch will be forever grateful. I know that I am. I am grateful for my father’s choice to change and for the Savior’s sacrifice that allowed him to do so.

Are we failing as a society?

“Many of the social restraints which in the past have helped to reinforce and to shore up the family are dissolving and disappearing. The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.” - Spencer W. Kimball, Ensign, Nov. 1980

What a powerful, insightful and prophetic quote. I believe we are living in the time that President Kimball prophesied about. Marriage is becoming to so many an unnecessary archaic institution. 

It has become the social norm to have children before marriage, and many times parents are choosing not to marry at all. Hollywood has not helped these statistics. It seems that we are hearing more often than not, about single stars having children with out any spouse, or couples having a child before marriage. Fifty years ago this situation would have been considered out of line and not talked about. Couples quickly and quietly got married before anyone could know that a child had been conceived out of wedlock. Today it seems celebrated. We are living in perilous times and the family is under attack. 

We have been taught by our living prophet and leaders that marriage between a man and a woman is the basic building block of society. If we are failing at marriage, what does that say about our society. To me it says we are failing as a society, we are not building on the basis of family being the foundation. We are failing to recognize the importance of children growing up with a mother and father, the blessing it is to raise children together and to work together to help each other be happy. Our society has become all about the individual “ We warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.”  (The Family A Proclamation to the World) 

We must do all we can to preserve marriage and the family. We can do this by strengthening our own marriage and families so we can be an example to those around us.
We must stand up for marriage, in action and in word.  Marriage Matters.

Why this blog?

This blog is part of my assignment for my BYU Idaho Family 300 course which is all about marriage.  I am excited for this assignment because I have been married to my husband for 25 years (This August) and I am excited to spend time learning more about how I can be a better partner and how we can strengthen our marriage even more. We have 4 sons, and a new daughter in law. I know from experience that having a successful marriage takes a lot of work. There are lots of areas where I know I need to improve and I am excited for the things I will learn to apply this semester.